More Of My Story

I said I would post a part of my testimony I haven't shared here before, so here goes....

Not too long ago, I found 'my plan' in our basement. I wrote it when I was in high school. You know the 'plan' I'm talking about. The one where you decide where you will go to college, who you will marry, when you will get married, how many children you will have and when you will have them, what their names will be, where you'll live and in what kind of house, etc., etc.

I felt ridiculous when I found it. Ridiculous that I thought I could actually write a plan for my life, but I know as a teenage girl (who didn't know the Lord), it seemed smart. When I found it, I used it as a perfect opportunity to share with my SS class of high school girls how God has an ultimate plan for our life and it's up to us whether or not we will follow it.

Here's what really happened....

I wasn't a Christian in high school. I didn't grow up going to church, but fortunately, I did have strict parents with high standards for me and my brothers. I had a wonderful childhood. A happy childhood. I don't really know why, but like most girls, I had low self-esteem. I was a cheerleader and had lots of friends and even a few boyfriends, but never had a lot of confidence.

My junior year, I started dating a guy. He was very nice to me - a charmer. He said all the right things and spent a lot of time 'building me up' - telling me how beautiful and intelligent I was. I fell really hard for him in no time. My parents liked him, too. Well, I don't think my dad would have liked anyone I dated, but my Mom thought he was very sweet. Oh, and he went to church. And, he took me with him.

Little things started to happen that would send up a red flag to me now, but at that time, seemed 'normal to me'. I spent all of my time with my boyfriend and he started finding things wrong with my friends. "I want you all to myself", he would say and I thought that was flattering. Once I graduated high school, I was in deep. Too deep.

My parents started to see a side of him they didn't like. They would talk to me about it and try to convince me things weren't healthy or normal between us. But, I had spent 3 years getting close to this person, so I felt like my parents didn't understand. He also told me quite often my parents didn't understand - that he was the only one that truly cared about me. I had already made the decision not to go to college (because of him), so when he asked me to marry him, it seemed like the right choice.

All my friends were in college and I never saw them nor talked to them. I turned 20 years old and twelve days later, got married. My family was so sad, but I kept telling myself they would come around. After all, this man who claimed to be a Christian, loved me and was good to me. I couldn't see all the warning signs.

Because my family reads this blog and because I don't think the Lord would be pleased with me spilling the details here, I'll just say that my life became pretty horrible in a matter of months. 

After a year of marriage, I accepted the Lord as my Savior. At the time, I was the only one in his family attending church regularly. I was in desperate need of rescuing and that's what I got that day - a Savior.

As soon as I was saved, I became hungry for God's word. However, I only wanted to study one thing. I wanted to know how to get out of such a terrible situation. I wanted to please the Lord and the Bible was clear on divorce. It appeared to me I wasn't in any circumstance that would justify divorce. I couldn't bear to go against God's word.

I stayed. I tried. I continued to live in abuse.

I was very private about my life and what was going on - you are when you're in a situation like that. You think no one else knows. But, they do.

At a family dinner (which were few and far between because I wasn't allowed to see my family often), my uncle sat down beside me on the sofa. He opened his bible, which I thought was odd. He started telling me he knew something was up with me. He told me how much God loves me and how He never wants his children to hurt.

I was beginning to understand the difference between 'looking for a way out of something because you're just not satisfied' and 'God not wanting his children to suffer'.

I was spending a lot of time in prayer about what to do. Do I leave? Where do I go? It's hard to go back home after being out on your own. I didn't want to hear, "I told you so".

Then, I got a card from my older brother who was getting ready to graduate college. The card was telling me how courageous I was. Telling me not to take the weight of the world on my shoulders because that's too much for anyone to carry. Telling me he would be there for me no matter what - my entire family would. I still carry that card today - 15 years later.

I left.

My brother and I got an apartment together and I began the slow healing process.

One of the most difficult things I've ever done in my life. I still look back and wonder how on earth I made it through that situation (during and after). There were so many nights I felt if I went to bed I would never wake up (and sometimes prayed I wouldn't). I was 22, getting a divorce - without a friend in the world.

But, God.....

Thank the Lord it was during that time that I found Him. Al though I did have 100% support from my family, my relationship with the Lord was the ONE constant in my life and the only thing that got me through. I began to read my bible daily. I posted scripture all around my room. Truth surrounded me and I became stronger (some would argue that I'm too strong now :)

It's easy for me to look back now and see all the 'signs'. I was the one that said I would never allow someone to treat me that way. But, when a young girl (particularly with low self-esteem) spends that much time with someone, a 'hold' is put on her and she has a difficult time understanding and seeing the dangers of someone trying to have that much power.

This post would be entirely too long if I was to include all the lessons God has taught me during that season of my life, but the main lessons are forgiveness and letting go of bitterness. I had to do both of those in order to have an abundant life in Christ.

My prayer for my own girls (among others) is for them to know they are valued and to have an unshakeable confidence. I want them to be deeply rooted in God's word so they can recognize a lie immediately. I want them to know that Jesus Christ is the only one that can fill them up and make them feel whole. No human can do that.