Wednesday night, I had a meltdown. How's that for 'being real'?
Seriously, I felt like I had been bottling up so much anger, anxiety, exhaustion, guilt and hurt that I let it spew out uncontrollably. All the scripture memory in the world wouldn't calm my heart. I laugh about it now. How I must have looked to my husband whom sat on a chair in our closet and listened (watched) intently. (Eric will have a special crown in heaven just for his patience).
I paced back and forth and gave him a long list of frustrations often interjecting, "but, I know it's my fault", "I know I'm selfish", "I know this is all pride" and "can you believe how selfish I am?"
I wanted him to agree with me. I was okay with him telling me how selfish and prideful I was. Here was his chance.
He didn't take it.
Instead, he pointed out how I spend a great amount of time telling myself how horrible I am. He talked about false guilt and suggested we talk about all the things I've done right. The positive things. Then, he did the only thing I really needed in the first place. He pulled me down on the floor and prayed over me. Halfway through the prayer, I felt lighter. Silly, but lighter.
I have since tried to recognize times I put ridiculous expectations on myself. I have an idea of what I want to accomplish everyday and if I don't even come close (which is almost daily), I go to bed so defeated I dread the morning. Yuck!
Perfectionism. It's exhausting!
The worst part .... my daughter is following in my footsteps.
Now, there's a wake-up call.
Truth is, I thought I allowed God to take care of this years ago. I allowed him to work and I was delivered from so much, but now see how I've tried to pry myself from his grip. Why on earth?
All this reminds me I am completely lost with Him. What can I accomplish without my Savior? What can I accomplish for His kingdom without His reminder that it's His work and not my own that will make the difference? He wants so much more for me than a life spent serving Him without considering Him.
My tantrums aren't at all what I want to model to my children. I know it must all be confusing for them. I pray if they learn anything through it all, they learn Mommy cannot survive without Jesus. I pray they understand what it means to mess up and ask forgiveness. I know they see the ugly parts of me. I pray their memories of me that don't include a perfect Mommy do include a Mommy that will fall on her face and plead with a Loving, Present and Delivering Savoir.
I have a suspicion they will need that reminder one day.
12 comments:
WHAT A BLESSING FOR YOU, AND YOUR SWEET DAUGHTERS TO HAVE A GODLY MAN WHO WILL PROTECT, ENCOURAGE, AND PRAY FOR THEM.
GOD IS SO VERY GOOD. YOU DEAR BLOG FRIEND ARE LOVED JUST THE WAY YOU ARE. TODAY. NOW. RIGHT AT THIS VERY MOMENT. RECEIVE HIS LOVE COMPLETELY. NOT JUST IN YOUR HEAD, IN YOUR HEART.
WHEN I DID THIS, MY LIFE CHANGED. SLOWLY, BUT CONSISTENTLY.
I PRAY THE SAME FOR YOU.
HUGS FROM MAINE
http://sophie4me.blogspot.com/
I have a suspicion that your girls definitely see Jesus in their sweet Mommy!
This post just further reminds me that "It's TOUGH being a Woman"!
I'm sorry you were carrying all of that stuff. OH my goodness though...what a caring husband to listen and pray.
I can so relate to your meltdown. I often wonder what my kids will remember about me, but I'm with you--I want them to know that there is nothing greater in my life than Jesus.
i pray too that my kids will have good memories, not the ones i think they'll have of me yelling and being demanding and impatient.
love your sidebar pictures, especially your profile.
my meltdown moment was last week on wedneday...over the phone w/dear hubby.
many, many, crowns our hubbies will have!
i'm sure your daughters are seeing a beautiful picture of REAL LIFE...and will be better equipped with life's struggles b/c they saw you turn to God during yours!
here's to a meltdown free week this week!
Girl, you are being attacked and beaten down by condemnation and I just pray that God would lift your spirit up and anytime that comes at you again that you could claim "there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus" Praise the Lord for that!!
I think you are doing a fabulous job raising your girls and modeling a strong, personal walk with the Lord.
Love you and I'll be praying for you!!
Girl....I think God gives us kids sometimes so we can see what not to pass along.....if it's any consolation, I have fits too......just wanting you to know you aren't alonr!
Amen, and amen. My kids have seen me meltdown more times than I can count. How precious that your husband took that opportunity to pray over you. I love that. I remember reading something lately to the effect of... do we want our kids to grow up thinking they could never be as "holy" as their mom, or realizing that if God can save their mom, He can (and will) save them too? (I know it was worded way better than that, but it really spoke to me when I read it!) Thanks for "keepin' it real." {{{hug}}}
Somebody's praying; I can feel it
Somebody's praying for me.
Mighty hands are guiding me
To protect me from what I can't see
Lord I believe, Lord I believe
That somebody's praying for me.
Angels are watching; I can feel it
Angels are watching over me.
There's many miles ahead till I get home
Still I'm safely kept before your throne
Cuz Lord I believe, Lord I believe
Your angels are watching over me.
Well, I've walked the barren wilderness
Where my pillow was a stone
And I've been through the darkest caverns
Where no light had ever shown.
But still I went on cuz there was someone
Who was down on their knees
And Lord I thank you for those people
Praying all this time for me.
Somebody's praying; I can feel it
Somebody's praying for me
Mighty hands are guiding me
To protect me from what I can't see.
Lord I believe, Lord I believe
Somebody's praying for me.
Somebody's praying for me.
From someone who appreciates you and is praying for you!!
I'm with Faith on the condemnation thing. The Lord's been working on me about that. I read this in my Jesus Calling book yesterday: "Stop judging and evaluating yourself, for this is not your role." It's from Luke 6:37, about not judging and condemning others----that includes yourself! I'd never thought about it that way. Anyway, it was encouraging to me and just what I needed to hear at the time. (I'll send you the rest of it if you want.)
We've all been there. Cut yourself some slack and know that there were things that you obviously needed to get out. There is always room and space for us to make changes in our life - we just need to make the choice.
And I am so glad that you have a husband who knows when to give you mercy, love, and grace.
I am sorry to just now be reading this....but I hope you know that you are SUCH a godly mom for your girls...and just because we are human does not mean that God doesn't use us mightily. I love that your husband prayed over you....that is so sweet.
And if it makes you laugh or feel better, I had a similar meltdown yesterday over NOTHING but it basically lasted all day and resulted in the biggest burst of irrationality and foolishness that I have seen from myself in a LONG time! Thank goodness for new mercies every morning!
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