He Goes Before Us

It's true that the things we have the most anxiety about usually never come to fruition. Either that or the anxiety we feel demands us to call out to the Lord in prayer and as a result, He answers us with abundant mercy and grace.

I'm choosing to believe the latter.

I'm going to go out on a limb and say I'm the most honest person I know. I mean that with all humility. I also mean it in a way that suggests at times, I'm too honest. I say what is on my mind and most times should have thought it through first.

So, when I feel like I'm hiding something (that isn't a sworn secret to a friend), I really don't feel much freedom until it's out in the open.

I'll cut to the chase....

From the moment I found out I was having a daughter, I knew I wanted to be careful about how she learned of my past. Typically, a little girl's world is wrapped up in her Daddy. How would she feel about learning her Mommy had been married before? When is the right time to tell her? What age is appropriate and when is she mature enough to understand?

E is my deep thinker. She analyzes every situation and contemplates actions of others from every angle. I knew early-on I would have to be selective about when I had this particular discussion with her. I never wanted to appear as if I was keeping a family secret. I just wanted to be sensitive to her ability to understand.

Honestly, for years I have looked forward to the opportunity to tell her how God redeems all things and how He is mindful of every detail in our lives. It's a testimony I share with my SS class and anyone who will listen. I wanted to share it with my little girl as well.

Also, I saw myself telling her as a pre-teen or teenage girl - you know - when I thought she could 'handle' it.

But, as fate would have it, we were put in a situation this school year that could possibly lead to someone else telling her ... say at recess. That sped up my plans.

Eric and I began praying and knew I had to tell her quickly. I asked several friends to pray as well. I asked God to go before me and prepare her heart. I also asked Him to help me to be strong (no tears!) and to be confident when telling her all He had done for me. I wanted to carefully choose my words so that no one was dishonored or torn down.

I planned to tell her last Saturday. BUT ...

On Friday morning, she crawled in bed with me and was just so happy. She asked me some questions about when I was a little girl. And, just like that I felt the Lord whisper it was okay for me to tell her.

I told her I had something very special to share with her .... a part of my testimony. She laid very still as I told her about meeting a guy in high school and making a decision to marry him and then knowing it was a very bad decision. As I talked, she began putting puzzle pieces together - moments in time we had mentioned (when I lived with my brother, when I got saved, etc.). It all seemed to click with her and made perfect sense.

Her response when I asked if she had any questions?

First, she said she didn't realize that adults could make mistakes. This gave me an excellent opportunity to talk about the good (when given to the Lord) that comes from bad situations and how God heals broken hearts and will do all that He promises to us. She loved hearing that.

I wasn't prepared for her next response ....

She said, "Mommy, I have been feeling very left out at school".

Me: "Why?"

E: "Because all of my friends have an older brother or sister. I don't and I want one. Do you have any other children?"

Are you kidding me?????

Me: "No! I do NOT have any other children, E".

E: "Are you sure? Think really hard".

And, just like that I knew God had answered my prayer and gone before me and prepared the way. We left that conversation able to find the humor in the midst of the serious ...

and laughed like crazy!