Probably too much information...

I don't know why I am sharing this, but am trusting this is a safe place to let it out.

Wednesday night, I had a meltdown. How's that for 'being real'?

Seriously, I felt like I had been bottling up so much anger, anxiety, exhaustion, guilt and hurt that I let it spew out uncontrollably. All the scripture memory in the world wouldn't calm my heart. I laugh about it now. How I must have looked to my husband whom sat on a chair in our closet and listened (watched) intently. (Eric will have a special crown in heaven just for his patience).

I paced back and forth and gave him a long list of frustrations often interjecting, "but, I know it's my fault", "I know I'm selfish", "I know this is all pride" and "can you believe how selfish I am?"

I wanted him to agree with me. I was okay with him telling me how selfish and prideful I was. Here was his chance.

He didn't take it.

Instead, he pointed out how I spend a great amount of time telling myself how horrible I am. He talked about false guilt and suggested we talk about all the things I've done right. The positive things. Then, he did the only thing I really needed in the first place. He pulled me down on the floor and prayed over me. Halfway through the prayer, I felt lighter. Silly, but lighter.

I have since tried to recognize times I put ridiculous expectations on myself. I have an idea of what I want to accomplish everyday and if I don't even come close (which is almost daily), I go to bed so defeated I dread the morning. Yuck!

Perfectionism. It's exhausting!

The worst part .... my daughter is following in my footsteps.

Now, there's a wake-up call.

Truth is, I thought I allowed God to take care of this years ago. I allowed him to work and I was delivered from so much, but now see how I've tried to pry myself from his grip. Why on earth?

All this reminds me I am completely lost with Him. What can I accomplish without my Savior? What can I accomplish for His kingdom without His reminder that it's His work and not my own that will make the difference? He wants so much more for me than a life spent serving Him without considering Him.

My tantrums aren't at all what I want to model to my children. I know it must all be confusing for them. I pray if they learn anything through it all, they learn Mommy cannot survive without Jesus. I pray they understand what it means to mess up and ask forgiveness. I know they see the ugly parts of me. I pray their memories of me that don't include a perfect Mommy do include a Mommy that will fall on her face and plead with a Loving, Present and Delivering Savoir.

I have a suspicion they will need that reminder one day.

This and That

It's Friday night and I don't think I can properly describe how tired I am. Tired! So, excuse this post, but it's going to be completely random. Here's just a few things on my mind tonight...

**Yesterday seemed like the longest day of my life. No real reason other than the fact it had been a long week and Eric left before we were awake. He worked out of town yesterday and then had an event with the youth, so we didn't see him at all. After cleaning, cooking, laundry, taking girls to gymnastics, doing homework, bathing and putting girls to bed, I wasn't sure I could make it to the bed myself. In fact, I walked into my closet to change into my pajamas, looked at the closet floor and decided to lie down right there. I was only asleep for a few minutes, I think, but I don't think I've ever done that before. Weird.

**I had such a blessing on Sunday. Just before church service started, Elaine and her husband brought me their sweet baby to hold. Oh, the cuteness! Go ahead and click over and see. Precious! (You can also read her previous posts and see the journey God had for her). I couldn't help but cry. God is so good. Elaine and her husband tried for so many years to have a child, were told it would never happen naturally and then GOD said otherwise. I love stories like that because they remind me of my own. I'm so thankful she allowed me to hold her precious newborn son because thinking about that all week reminded me of all of you waiting to tell a similar story. Hang on! The Most High God knows exactly where you are. He has NOT forgotten your desires to hold a baby in your arms. Praying and believing ....

**E hasn't been herself lately. Aside from being sick, she has been so quiet. Man, I can't tell you what that does to a mother's heart - perhaps, you know already. I just keep whispering to God daily, "You're going to tell me what this is about, aren't you?" I'm praying we can have some time together with just the two of us so she'll share what's on her heart with me.

Have a great night! I'm off to bed and praying my girls appreciate what it means to 'sleep in' in the morning. Oh, please Lord.

What goes in must come out

Just checking in to tell you I'm still alive. At least I think I am.

E is back in school today al though she decided while she was out she would just be homeschooled next year. Ha! I tried to explain to her if she was homeschooled, there wouldn't be days filled with High School Musical 3 and playing fairies in her bedroom.

So, she thought better of it.

Thank you, Lord! Not that I wouldn't do it if you asked me to, but really think long and hard before you ever ask me to.

Okay ....

O is at Mothers Morning Out this morning and really wasn't her jovial self. You see, she has experienced some trauma and devastation this past week. We have talked a lot about getting a pet and truth be told, we are SO limited because O and I both have allergies. Really bad allergies to dogs and cats. And horses. And birds. (Not really birds, but I told the girls that because I don't want one. It works for me.)

Anyway, I explained to both of them if we get a pet, they will have to clean up after it. E understands because we have had this conversation before. O, on the other hand pressed me to see what I meant. Of course, I told her she would have to clean up the poop.

O: "What? Dogs poop?"

Me: "Yes, O. Dogs poop".

O: "Okay. We'll get a mouse (hamster)."

Me: "Okay, but they poop, too."

O: "That's gross! We'll get a fish."

Me: "Poops!"

O: "Forget it! That's gross!"

So, now she is obsessively asking me about every animal. She has been hoping to find something she doesn't have to clean up after. Actually, she's just disgusted with all of them whether she has to clean it up or not.

Last night while tucking her into bed, I was so tired and not up for much conversation. I kiss her goodnight and she whispers, "What about turtles? Do turtles poop?" At this point, I felt like a three year old should understand the digestive process, so I said, "O, anything that breathes and eats .... poops!".

"Yuck. Forget it!", she says.

On the way to school this morning, I could tell she was in deep thought. E asks her what she's thinking about. She blurts out, "I got it! I'm getting a pumpkin! I have never seen a pumpkin eat anything!"

E and I start laughing and agree that a pumpkin would be a great pet. Ha!

Then, she says, "Oh, man! That won't work. I fed mine a candle last year!"

Not sure how that will digest.

Hang in there ... it gets good

This weekend has been a whirlwind. It's weird ... I've experienced some really low moments and then some really high ones. Always a roller coaster, I'm telling you.

Right this second, I am lying on my bed between my two girls. E is sick tonight. She hasn't been sick in so long. After church this morning, we went to Eric's parents to celebrate his birthday (that's Tuesday) and I could tell something was wrong with E. I felt her head and knew immediately she had a fever. Still not sure what's up with her, but we made the 30 minute drive home and she slept all afternoon. O just wants to be near her, so I'm lying in between them to keep O from catching whatever E has (of course, that will work, right? ha!).

Honestly, I was a little bummed because my brother is preaching tonight at church. He doesn't get to preach that often, so I always make sure I'm there when he does. (I even cancelled going to a Travis Cottrell concert tonight so I could hear him preach - how's that for some sister-love?). Now, I can't go to either.

Okay, let me backup with the weekend because I do have some fun stuff to share. Just wait for it ...

On Friday, I had my 3 nieces spend the night with us. We were having 'backwards night' and all girls were very excited. When they rang my doorbell, I answered the door wearing my jeans backwards. Of course, they were one step ahead and had their clothes and shoes on backwards. Cracked me up! The noise level in this house was off the hook!

Among many 'backwards' ideas, they decided to go by each other's names and let me tell you, they stuck with it. After an hour, I was exhausted trying to keep straight who was who.

As we were changing into our pj's, my Mom called and said she was rushing my dad to the emergency room. I left quickly to meet her there (leaving Eric will all the girls for the rest of the night - thanks, honey - you did great!). We thought my dad was having a heart attack. I tell you, I was so peaceful driving to the hospital - really not afraid, but when I saw him in so much pain, I tried to hold myself together - but, didn't do such a good job after awhile. It's tough to see your daddy in so much pain. Praise God he didn't have a heart attack, but has pleurisy (very painful). He's going to be fine.

I was only able to get a couple hours of sleep when all girls were awake asking for breakfast. (I will say here that Eric was a huge lifesaver this weekend!) He made a huge breakfast for all of us while I watched from the living room sofa. I was tired!

But, not too tired to skip out on my plans for the day!

I was able to meet some blog friends! Yay! Okay, try to keep all this straight ....

Faith and I have read each other's blogs for awhile and I just think she is the neatest person. I have told Eric several times I wish she and her husband lived next door to us because I know we would all be good friends.

Okay, Faith posted about a photo session she had with Heather and it wasn't long before Eric and I had an appointment to meet with her to get our family pictures made. We had the best day with Heather and my girls fell in love with her. During our session, she mentioned another girl, Amy that she had met and was moving to my hometown soon.

After reading Jennifer's blog for awhile, I got an email from Faith telling me she and Jennifer were best friends. As it turns out, I have a ton in common with Jennifer and know a lot of the same people. Weird, huh?

So, I was so excited to meet these ladies! We had the best time! Each one of them are precious and beautiful and funny! We laughed a lot and talked for a long time. In fact, I didn't realize how long. When I was in the car to return home, I had three messages from my daughter, E saying, "Mom, are you okay with those blog people?" Ha! I could have stayed much longer.

Here's some pictures from the day....

Jennifer, Heather, me, Faith and Amy

Amy, Jennifer, and Heather

Faith and me

I called Eric on the way home and told him I was bummed that I didn't live closer to all of them. I had the best time! I learned a lot, too ... about Ikea and the names of the furniture (weird, Faith!), dead uncles given as gifts (I'll let you tell it, Amy - so get on with it - tell it!) and so much more. I laughed all afternoon - so fun!


Blogging is such a difficult thing to explain to people. Even those who blog think it's weird, but I love that God uses the 'weird' to bring people together! I cannot wait to meet again, girls. Soon ....

You won't find any of this interesting ....

Lately, I have found it so difficult to post. Not sure why. Just having a hard time putting thoughts together. Certainly not because there isn't plenty going on around here. I admit there are times I wonder why on earth I have this blog. I love reading other blogs and I have my favorites that I check each morning to see if there is an update. But, as far as this blog goes, I'm having a hard time. I even thought last week of just deleting the whole thing. Crazy, huh? But, then I remember why I started it in the first place and that was to journal stories about my children and that reminder is what keeps me from hitting 'delete'. We'll see ....

So, here's a quick update of life around here in the past week ....

1) O (3 years old) had to get glasses! This, too, is a great story about God's providence that I may share later (I don't know why I'm still in shock over how He protects my family and me), but I will just say today that she is so cute! She's sitting at my feet right now with a stack of books. A large stack of at least 20. It seems her whole world just got a lot clearer and she is having the best time discovering things for the first time. It's truly amazing to watch. I watched her yesterday (after only having her glasses for a few hours) sit and study her sister's face. That brought me to tears.

2) We just finished our sixth week of bible study and only have 3 more to go. I'm already sad about it ending because I'm dramatic and I have to anticipate the ending for 3 weeks because that's how I roll. Seriously, this study (Esther) has been one of my favorites of all time .... sometimes challenging, a lot of times convicting and always uplifting. I love it.

3) Valentine's day was fun. The girls had their class parties. On Friday night, we took them to see the movie Bolt (so cute!) and then they camped out on our bedroom floor for the night. Saturday morning, I made homemade waffles with whip cream and sprinkles served on 'fancy dishes' by candlelight. The girls loved this! Eric and I were able to go to a movie Saturday night while his parents stayed with the girls. He bought me a dozen pink roses that are gorgeous.

4) Both girls have started back to gymnastics. This is O's first time, but E has taken before. I took her out for a year because of moving, piano, etc. She is doing really well and picking up where she left off, but she doesn't remember some of the techniques. I think the teacher she had last week recognized her and didn't realize it had been a year since E was there. Because of that, the teacher didn't explain a certain technique and not wanting to act like she didn't know, E got hurt. Nothing serious, but presented a perfect teaching moment. We had a talk about 'pride' and when we don't humble ourselves and ask for help, we get hurt in the end. Man, if only I could learn that myself.

5) I have a terrible case of winter blues. Yuck! Last week, we had a few warm, sunny days and I spent every second I could outside with the girls - at the park, in the backyard, walking around the neighborhood. I can't tell you what it did for me! Spring needs to come soon! Oh, please Lord let it come soon!

That's it for now. Gotta go read books to my sweet girl.

Early Valentine

O couldn't wait to give me my Valentine card. This is what I got early this morning ....





No, she isn't my granddaughter.


No, I'm not her granddaughter.


But, Ariel makes it the perfect card to give her Mommy.


And, I love it.


I also love the fact that Eric let her buy it for me. She is so proud of it. Oh, how I love this sweet girl!

The fact it was under lock and key made all the difference

I know, I know. I never intend on taking a blogging break. But, life just happens and before I realize it, ten days have passed and I've only posted one time. I'm coming out of retirement to share with you some very important news.

No, I'm not pregnant.

Even bigger ... apparently, I have a .... ag .... age spots.

I have trouble saying it. Really, I do. In fact, I was in denial for years about it until my friend, Cathy visited a few summers ago and we were sitting out by my parent's pool. We were having an in-depth conversation about the economic decline of our country.

Ah forget it, even I can't pull that off.

We were analyzing the various spots on our legs, arms and face that clearly weren't there when we were in junior high. I did something I never do - I called attention to two spots on the side of my right cheek.

You see, I feel like if I don't talk about them, they're not really there. Denial. It works for me.

Then .... Cathy said it. She said the words that echo in my mind a year and a half later. She said, "Those are age spots, Deidre".

What? How can that be? We're only 25. Wait, we're older than 25, aren't we?

Since that enlightening day in July, I have been on a mission for something .... anything .... to hide, disguise, remove my ahem .... freckles .... without professional help. For several reasons, really.

1) I don't have the money.

2) I don't have the pain-tolerance.

3) I don't have the money.

I knew through the skincare grapevine I needed a microdermabrasion system. (Because I need one more step to my nightly skincare regime - it's brutal, I tell you). But, I will try anything once (as far as skincare goes).

So far, I have invested in three different products and none of them have worked.

It is a problem.

Yesterday before I left for bible study, I read a few blogs and came across this one from Big Mama. She mentions several products, but the one that caught my eye was the Oil of Olay Microdermabrasion and Peel System. I hadn't tried this one. So, I scribbled the name of it on a piece of paper and stuck it in my purse. Maybe I would check it out sometime.

That 'sometime' came last night immediately after bible study.

We were out a few minutes earlier than usual, so I stopped by CVS. I went to buy sinus headache medicine, but thought I would just 'price' the Oil of Olay.

And, that's when I saw it.

It was displayed in a cabinet under lock and key. (I would have taken a picture for you, but there were signs posted everywhere telling me I was being watched by the survelliance camera.)

I cannot tell you what that did to my psyche. "Oh, this must be valuable! This must be the most awesomest, bestest stuff EVER! How could I go one.more.night. without this in-demand jewel? I have to have it .... now! (Which, by the way, completely blows out of the water the whole session we just watched in our Esther study on waiting. Clearly, God wasn't talking about microdermabrasion kits that promise to take away my age spots .... I mean, freckles. He would never want me to wait on such a thing.

I started to sweat. If it's under lock and key, it must be too expensive for me. (I subconciously think of some things I could sell.) Then, I see that it's only $24.95. Clearly, it was fate because I have paid much more for the other, useless products and they were still right there on the shelf out in the open. No, they didn't deserve a place in the beloved, locked cabinet.

I needed a salesperson.

A long line of men (Valentine's shoppers, I assume) were waiting to be checked out. Normally, I don't like to call attention to myself, but my adrenaline was pumping. I had to have that product. I went to the front of the line to tell the checkout girl (clerk? saleslady?) I needed assistance in cosmetics. She said, "Oh, you need in the Oil of Olay cabinet!" (Had she seen my age spots and was prescribing a solution? - I've lost it).

I wait patiently (see Lord, I listened) by the cabinet for assistance. What seemed like hours later, she comes with the keys. I said, "I can only imagine how great this is if it has to be locked up!" She laughs and says, "It must be really good stuff because just last week, a woman came in and stole $2,000 worth and ran out the emergency exit. We put in the locked cabinet the next day".

What? Are you kidding me? I need to check out! Check me out, now! I have to get home and put this on my face!

(See, Lord. I'm not nearly as desperate as that woman. I paid $24.95 for mine).

Another reason I love my husband so much is he gets it. He really gets it. He met me at my car and I immediately started telling him about stopping at CVS and seeing the Oil of Olay in the locked cabinet. He smiled and said, "Obviously, you had to have it. I'll pour you some tea and you can get started."

Ha! And, start it I did. We'll see what happens.

I will tell you that I had a very vivid dream last night that my face was on fire.

Not sure if the two are connected.

God's PROVIDENCE

Fifteen years ago today I met my husband.

I wasn't looking for him and he wasn't looking for me.

I was 23 years old and one year into deliverance from a bad situation. I was living in a fog ... wondering if this was all there was to life and if so, I wasn't so sure I wanted any part of it.

I was a new Christian, wanting so badly to understand the bible and find some comfort there, but just didn't know how.

My friend, Jennifer called and asked if I would come visit her at school. She went to NC State. How could I go? How would I get there? I was so crippled by fear, I couldn't picture myself driving anywhere other than to work and back home - certainly not three hours away. I had spent the previous 5 years listening to someone I had trusted tell me I wasn't worth anything and I couldn't do anything.

I had applied to colleges all over the state only so I could receive the packets in the mail with my name on them. A glimmer of hope, but knowing I could never muster the courage to do anything different.

No, I couldn't go. I'm fine staying where I am.

But, she persisted and enticed me with tickets to the State/Carolina basketball game (I'm a Carolina fan!). So, I agreed ... only because Jennifer's mom decided to go. Only hitch was, I had to follow her in my car.

The heaviness was so strong as I pulled onto the interstate. What was I doing? Turn back! But, after crying non-stop halfway into the trip, I started to feel like I was being set free. I could breathe. Wait, I can do this. I can really do this.

I settled into the rest of the trip and enjoyed being by myself. I prayed a lot eventhough I didn't understand a lot about my relationship with my new Savior. He and I were just becoming acquainted. I knew He had saved me and I was changed, but I was terribly new at relying on Him for direction.

Once in Raleigh, we pulled into an apartment complex that I thought was Jennifer's. Turns out .. it was her boyfriend's apartment.

Oh, and her boyfriend had a roommate.

A really cute roommate!

Enter: my future husband.

I literally knocked on the door and Eric answered. (Kind of puts a hole in the theory "God's not going to bring your mate to your doorstep", doesn't it?)

That day just gave me a tiny glimpse of what my future held. Eric was days away from graduating college and I was learning what it meant to rely on God for healing.

Eric accepted a job in Pennsylvania and we lost touch for more than a year. But God ...

God was showing me I could do more than I thought I could. I found enough courage to move away from home, get a job that I loved and attend college at night. Eric was transferred back to Raleigh and the rest is history.

With the bible study I'm in and all this 'talk' of God's providence, I cannot get away from all the ways He has maneuvered me .... positioned me .... setting me up for his divine healing, blessings and restorations. I'm reminded if I am obedient, he WILL deliver me from fear and He WILL set my feet on a solid rock. He WILL see me through to an abundant life ... the one He intended for me all along. The one I could never have imagined for myself.

"To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion,

to give them BEAUTY FOR ASHES,

the oil of JOY for mourning,

the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness;

that they might be called trees of righteousness,

the planting of the Lord, that he might be glorified."

Isaiah 61:3

"I will restore to you the years

that the locusts have eaten."

Joel 2:25

Thank you, Heather, for the pictures. We love them!

A Sunday Word

"But by the GRACE of GOD

I AM WHAT I AM:

and his grace which was bestowed

upon me was NOT in vain;

but I laboured more abundantly

than they all: yet not I,

but the GRACE of GOD

which was with me."

1 Corinthians 15:10