I keep telling people I'm feeling a better about things. That I'm more calm. But, when I think about that honestly, I realize how much I worry about things in general. Truthfully, that's hard for me to admit because I've never considered myself that type of person.
I don't freak out if my kids get hurt.
I don't worry about Eric coming home late.
I don't worry about people liking me or looking at me wrong.
I'm not afraid to try new things.
I enjoy watching my girls take risks and test their boundaries.
But, as I was trying to go to sleep last night, I thought about how much I do worry. I have insomnia. Period.
I worry about whether I was a good Mom that day. Whether or not E and O are happy. Do they need anything? I also worry about things completely out of my control. I check to make sure the garage door is down no less than 3 times before I go to bed. I check to make sure the doors and windows are locked .... and then I check again! I run through scenarios over and over until I 'accidentally' fall asleep. If I wake in the middle of night, I start the process all over, so I rarely go back to sleep.
I'm always tired.
My little brother is with me again this week. I'm grateful he's here. And I believe he's learning a lot. I like to think I'm teaching him a little about marriage ..... how to respect that person you're living with. You know, things he will need to know if and when he ever does get married. (Not looking good at this point :)For instance ..... he sets his cell phone alarm to wake him each morning. With 4 different LOUD alarms that go off in 20 minute intervals FOR AN HOUR AND A HALF!!!
My house is very open, so you can hear a pin drop in a room across the house. Or, at least I can. But, I guess I'm listening for it. BECAUSE I'M AWAKE. Except for when I fall asleep in the early morning hours and wake to FOUR ALARMS!
"It's all about sacrifices", he told me last week.
Hmmmmm ....
John Patrick is a DJ for a local radio station (not sure they are still called DJs). Anyway, he drove the station van home last night. A van covered in bright advertisements for the station.
So, as I was trying to go to sleep, I remembered we now have a suspicious van in the driveway.
So, I text him ....
"Hey, I just thought of something ... police may come tonight because station van is in the driveway and not on the list."
I hear LOUD BEEPS that he is receiving my text downstairs.
He replies, "yep because burglars are likely to break into brightly marked radio vehicles".
I'm suddenly aggravated that his phone is so loud, I can hear it upstairs. I'm thinking of the inevitable FOUR ALARMS in a few short hours. So I reply ...
"You never know. It's a van. Also, you may want to put your phone on 'alarm only'. That way texts won't wake you but alarm still goes off." (secretly hoping it won't!)
I hear LOUD BEEPS again that he is receiving my text DOWNSTAIRS.
He answers, "Don't know how. If beeps really bother you, you should stop texting me."
I send this back: "these are just small details we are going to have to work out if we're going to spend time together ... coffee, vehicles, fans, cell phones ... just like a marriage."
LOUD BEEPS - ugh!
The last text of the night from him: "If you're keeping score, tally another point on the list of reasons why I shouldn't get married".
It occurred to me, I could be turning him off to marriage completely. Because I AM CRAZY! Then, I remembered that a girl doesn't show that side of herself until way after the honeymoon. At least I didn't.
I remember the awakening Eric got when we had only been married a matter of weeks and I woke him up screaming "wake up! get up! hurry!"
He shot out of bed thinking we were being robbed. "What? What? What's wrong?", he asked, barely able to open his eyes.
I cry, "The bottom sheet has come off the corner of the bed!! We have to make it up NOW!!".
Yes, it was an awakening. I think he was in shock.
I don't know. Maybe I have a problem.
10 comments:
Oh my word, the bed sheet episode is cracking me UP! I had no idea you were so crazy. ha! Can't believe I didn't know since we crazies usually can spot each other from a mile away. :)
Oh Deidre. I am so very much like you it's scary. But there is great hope for your brother because, you're right, the "crazy" didn't really come out until a few weeks after the honeymoon.
Oh, and if it makes you feel any better, I make my husband close our bedroom window at night (in the summer/fall) because I'm CONVINCED that a mountain lion is in the backyard stalking me and can break thru the screen and gobble me up. And I run the dishwasher before I go to bed so that I can hear every sound in the house (which further creeps me out and convinces me someone is trying to break in). No fans allowed here either because the noise would block out sounds I need to hear. Sounds that terrify me of course. See? CRAZY.
PS-Don't let your brother read this.
I have been waking my husband up for 28 years I have OCD about bed linen, the feel the count and the print, so all he does is stand to attention then I tell him when he can get back in the bed. He dosnt know any better he still thinks ALL WIVES DO THAT, and I am not going to tell him any different and dont you either
Love BG
Oh My Word I am laughing OUT LOUD at work. Funniest thing ever. You are crazy. And so am I. It takes one to know one.
You may....or may not have a problem...this is true.
But, you DO have an amazing sense of humor....and you C-R-A-C-K- me up!!
Hoot-Hollar!
Love ya friend.
sad thing is - I am the lady you were talking about in the beginning - I always think the worst - second guess everything~ So I know what you are talking about~
I was laughing at this whole conversation! Its one you can only have between a brother & a sister, isnt it... that bantering! haha! Cracking up at how loud his phone is to you too!
And you SERIOUSLY woke up Eric because of the sheets? That's the funniest thing EVER!!!
Lady - dont you loose any thoughts on if you are being a good mom - those girls are testimony enough to what an amazing momma you are!!! Plus, I have a feeling O would just tell you straight out if you werent being a good mom! haha!!
It's a funny thing. I used to be like you --- not worried.
NOW - I'm a HUGE worrier. I am the first kind of person you talked about and I'm like you worried about being a good Mom and wife and person and hey, why is that person looking at me like that?
My anxiety can get out of control and the devil knows just how to use it against me.
BUT the cell phone thing -----and bed sheets thing----FUNNY =)
Hope you are doing well Deidre!!!!
in HIM-
Mindy
Oh goodness, Deidre! Bless your heart. You are a tortured soul. haha I feel bad that you are always tired!!
And I guess the brother/sister thing just keeps going even when you're all grown up!
This story made me laugh. How funny! Thanks for sharing your craziness with us all. We all have our "craziness" too! Love & blessings from NC!
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