Tuesday Mornings - My Friend

I used to have the same Tuesday morning ritual. I would drop my girls off at school, head directly to Chick-Fil-A, order my chicken biscuit and sweet tea and go to the library or Barnes & Noble and sit in the parking lot to call my friend, Pam. I actually did that a lot of mornings through the week, but on Tuesdays, we had one topic to discuss.

Bible Study.

We would discuss the bible study meeting we had the night before. What do you think about what so-and-so said? Should I have said more? Had you ever heard that scripture before?

Pam would always, always, always spend the morning encouraging me, but was careful to offer me constructive criticism. She wasn't afraid to tell me if I was wrong. But, she mostly built me up.

We talked for ..... well, for too long .... considering she was at work :)

I know now I relied too much on that encouragement. I craved it, even. But, quite honestly, she believed in me unlike anyone has ever believed in me. She showed it in so many ways. One huge way was that I teach a highs school girls' Sunday School class and Pam joined that class (she was 50!). After a few years, I encouraged her to go to another class. She listened to me as I gave her all the reasons she needed to be surrounded by other women (more her age). I'll never forget sitting in our classroom, her looking me straight in the eyes and saying, "I will NOT go to another class because there is no one I would rather hear teach than you!"

I often told her she thought much more of me than she should! She would say, "No, I just believe in you enough for the both of us right now, but one day, you'll understand how great you are and you won't need me so much".

Ugh! I don't like thinking about that statement today.

So, Tuesday mornings were special.

On this Tuesday morning, I really want more than anything to drop my kids off, drive to any parking lot and call my friend. I would love just one more conversation with her. I think my questions would be different, though. I wouldn't waste the opportunity talking about myself (yuck!), but I would ask, "What's it like? Is it everything we thought it would be?"

You see, on this date one year ago, I was sitting at my kitchen table working on that night's bible study outline when I got a call. A call telling me Pam had just died. I remember screaming, "Don't tell me that! Don't tell me that!" How on earth could something so horrible have been true? I was alone. I paced all around my house and down my street feeling like the breath had been knocked out of me. I just needed to be somewhere I could breathe, but couldn't find a place that didn't feel like someone had punched me in the stomach. I was sure I wasn't going to make it.

I went through intense anger and intense sadness in a matter of seconds. That cycle would continue for months. How could it be true?

Grief is a funny thing. I've never experienced it on that level before. I can't remember conversations I had with people, emails I wrote or even things we did as a family. I was definitely operating on auto-pilot and someone was carrying me.

God was carrying me.

He has taught me so much about myself over the past year. He's taught me that my strength comes only in Him and no one else on this earth can provide that for me. Also, I've learned how sufficient His grace is. I'm serious. The grace I'm going to need tomorrow isn't available to me yet, but what's provided for me today is enough to sustain me. Enough to sustain me.

I miss my friend. I love the life she led. The example she was. The testimony she guarded with everything in her. She flat out loved Jesus!

She helped plant in me a love for God's Word that I will never be able to satisfy completely. Our conversations would make me dig deeper and challenge me to find out the Truth! We got the biggest kick out of God's Word and would laugh hysterically when we tried to speak to each other only using Scripture. It was her relationship with Him that made me want more of Him. She was the kind of friend that gave me gifts like this.

A treasure. I love her so.

She loved her family. Her consistent prayer request was to see all of them come to know the Lord and live a life serving Him. Would you pray for this family?

And pray for all of us as we continue to learn how to live life without her? She was amazing and left a giant hole in our hearts. I sill pick up the phone to call her when I've read something really cool in God's Word, and have to remind myself I can't talk to her. I still have a lot of 'firsts' without her. I still struggle with being without her.

But, God is faithful.

Pam, Tina, Lisa and me with Travis Cottrell / Christmas 2008.