What I Learned on this Saturday Morning ...

I learned I am a 'wannabe' runner.

Eric, E and I ran in our school's 5K. My anxiety was so high by the time the race started, I couldn't even run as well as I do in my neighborhood every week. Ugh! So frustrating. Running is such a huge mental challenge for me.

But, we did it. We finished. Eric had an excellent time (whatever) and E finished her first ever 5K smiling.

Next year .... we hope O will join us.

Friday, We Love You

That sound is me letting out a big, deep sigh. Friday. How I love thee.

This week has been great is so many ways. My girls couldn't be more excited about school. E talks non-stop about her class. As soon as she gets in the car until she closes her eyes to go to sleep, she's talking about school. Mostly Latin. She loves Latin. She tells me every detail of her Latin class each day and I just nod my head as if it all makes sense. Truth is, I haven't a clue what the girl is talking about. I would be the rebellious student saying, "What in the world do we need this for?" But, not E. Thankfully, it all makes sense to her.

O loves her class more and more each day. She's becoming more familiar with the kids which makes her happier. This morning she told me she couldn't wait to get to school to see one girl in particular. "She's my best friend, Mom!" Love that.

The only downside to the week is O suddenly came down with a nasty cough. It was all manageable until Wednesday night. She never ran a fever, but just really felt rotten. After tucking her in that night, she slept 30 minutes and then woke up - never to fall asleep again. I couldn't believe it. Not one wink of sleep Wednesday night. I guess the cough medicine hyped her up. I was like a walking zombie Thursday at school.

So, 4 days into school and O managed to land at the doctor's office. By the time we were all home yesterday, I was so exhausted. Proof? My kids ate ice cream for dinner ... as in that's all they had for dinner.

And I didn't care.

Hey, if it's okay when you have your tonsils out, why not when Mommy's too exhausted to make dinner? It made perfect sense to me.

Fortunately, we all went to bed early and got lots of sleep last night.

For the most part, a really good week.

In the Mood to Preach

Conversation after school today ...

O: (jumping up and down) "E, I have missed you sooooo much today."

E: "I missed you, too. Change out of your uniform, then meet me in my room for devotions."

O: (yelling from her bedroom) "I'll be there in a minute, E. Clear me out a preaching spot. I am in the mood to preach, sister!"

A few minutes later, O is screaming and pounding on E's dresser ....

O: "Philippians 45 says to love God. He is gracious, kind, powerful, wonderful ... DO YOU UNDERSTAND CLASS? Hey! Is anyone out there?" She becomes aggravated and says, "Just read me a book, E. No one is listening to me."

"Unwinding" after school has taken an unusual turn around here.

"All she wants to do is dance ... "

This is a week of 'firsts'. My girls started dance yesterday.

E started taking when she was 3, but hasn't taken in 2 years. We knew O wanted to start (it was time to put this energy to good use), so a few weeks ago, I started looking for a place. E heard us talking about it and told us she wanted to dance too. I was hesitant because I do NOT like having my kids involved in many things outside our home (and quitting piano/violin isn't an option - another story for my opinion on that).

I was fortunate enough to find a studio A MILE FROM MY HOUSE. That is a big deal to me considering how far I drive for my kids to go to school, piano, soccer, etc. It seems everything we do is on the other side of town.

So, when I found out my girls could take on the same night and the studio is A MILE FROM MY HOUSE, I agreed to let E take dance again.

I highly underestimated how much joy this would bring to my girls. They both were so excited yesterday, I could hardly control them. I was sure O would clam up once we walked in the studio and not do a thing.

Again ... highly underestimated the joy.

O was SO excited. She told me when we pulled in she felt she may pass out she was so happy :) Thankfully, that didn't happen.

What I love about this studio (other than the main thing - the people were so nice and encouraging) was that there were TVs set up in the lobby so you could watch your child while they are in class. E and I watched O dance and laughed the whole time because she bounced and laughed the whole time.

You know something is a hit with O when she says, "Mom, can I do this every day of my life!" And, that's exactly what she said 457 times after we left.

E was equally happy about her class. The teachers said both of my children giggled the entire time.

We all went to bed smiling. Tuesday was a good day.

First Day

The first day of school was everything we asked the Lord for ... and more.

O was a little nervous before leaving the house, but all that changed when she stepped into her classroom. She had fun!

This afternoon, she said, "Mom, we didn't learn one thing about phonics. Actually, we only talked about manners. I already have good manners so do you think I should go tomorrow?"

Ummm ... yes.

She could tell me the names of every kid in her class, but told me she was too shy to play with any of them. I'm quite certain that won't last more than a day.

I think E talked for a solid hour when she got home. She loves her new teacher, Miss Ray. She got to sit at the same table with her best friend and even sat beside a new girl. I saw her about an hour after school started and she was so excited to tell me about the new girl. She asked me to pray right then she would be a good friend to this girl. Man, to have my daughter's heart. She amazes me.

It's been a long, exciting day. Eric brought E lunch today and sat with her in the cafeteria. Then, he met O and I for lunch later.

The girls are tucked into bed as we anticipate another day of school tomorrow. We are careful to thank God for blessing us today. He made it all extra special.

Twas the night before school started ....

To O ...

My precious girl, how is it you are starting Kindergarten in the morning? You still seem so little to me - like just yesterday you were staying in the carseat as we dropped your sister off at school.

I'm not nearly as sad about it as I would have been. I'm blessed to be able to work just down the hall from your class (and don't think I won't be peaking in on you throughout the day). I'll be careful to not let you see me. I understand how important independence is to you. I get it and want so much to see you thrive. You will ... I have no doubt.

I'm thankful we were able to calm your nerves about Kindergarten last week. I sensed something wasn't quite right with you. Everytime we mentioned school, you would change the subject or tell us you didn't want to talk about it. After some digging, I said, "You know, O, you do not have to know how to read before you start Kindergarten". "I don't??", you said. Bless your heart. With all the talk about reading and us working with you, you were stressed out because you thought you had to know how before school started. Once we got that straight and we explained that's what Kindergarten is for, you have been very excited.

As we tucked you in tonight and read Twas the Night Before Kindergarten, I knew you were going to be okay. You are in a class with all new people, but as I told you tonight, anyone would be blessed to be your friend! Your personality is magnetic and as much as I pray your teachers will be a blessing to you, this I know .... You will be a blessing to them! Kindergarten will never be the same.

I can't wait to see you at 12:00, kiss you and hug you and hear all about your first day. I love you, my sweet girl.

*********************************************

To E ....

I am in disbelief my firstborn is starting third grade. What on earth?

You haven't been excited about school all summer, but over the past few weeks God has changed your heart and now, we can hardly contain your excitement.

This year will hold a lot of changes for you. You will change clothes for P.E. (Lord, please let her bring home the clothes that belong to her!), you start Latin (you are over the moon excited about that) and you get to be a reading buddy.

I pray third grade is all you anticipate and so much more! You were fortunate to be put back in class with your very best friend, Regan. That makes me so happy for you! Third grade is where Mommy met her lifelong friend, Cathy, so I know the importance of those early friendships.

My prayer for you this year is that you fully receive the fact that you are ENOUGH. I want so much for you to reject any condemnation that comes your way because you tend to receive it and 'wear' it for so long (even if it's something you 'dreamed up' :). You're a 'people pleaser' and I'm asking God to free you from that. He will. Just this morning, you said, "Mom, I'm going to try to be a perfect student this year and never get into trouble". I reminded you that you will get into trouble. Mistakes are how we learn and we all have a lot to learn. I assured you that when you do, I will still love you so much and you need not ever fear coming home and telling me or talking to me about it.

I'm excited about all God has for you this year. A year of growth. Although I would love for time to slow down a little, I'm thrilled you are happy about 'a new thing' to experience. You are brilliant, compassionate and kind, with a smile (and giggle) that makes others happy. I am so in love with you, E. You truly let God's light shine so others may see.

Love, Mommy

P. S. I have brownie cupcakes baked and waiting on both of you. We'll share some while I listen about your first day of school. I'm so proud of both of you!

Beautiful God

I never intended to go a week without posting. However, this past week has been jammed packed - all with good things.

Thank you for the emails asking how E did at camp. I love it that you want to know and care about me and my family. She did great! She obeyed all the restrictions and had a blast. Our camp directors went out of their way to make sure she was included even though she had to sit out of certain things (thank you Benny, Piper & Leslie!). Here she is dressed up for some fun stuff they planned for us on Saturday night ...

O had a great time as well. Everytime I saw her she would say, "Mo - om! I'm fine. I'm with my friends".

It's good to be needed :)

My favorite part of camp was getting to hear my big brother preach 5 different messages. I do believe he gets better and better and I love watching God work in his life. He would be the first to tell you God gets all the glory. It's true. Only God could take a person so far into the world and turn him around to proclaim His Holy Name. That has been an amazing thing to witness. He did it for Todd and He did it for me. What a beautiful God!

We got home on Sunday night and then hit the ground running when the week started. I started back to work Monday. I'm working at my girls' school again as the preschool assistant. I was there only a few minutes before I was overwhelmed by the goodness of God.

I was ashamed at the same time.

The very month I started working there last year, Eric started traveling .... A LOT. It was my first job outside of our home since my children were born. I was having a difficult time adjusting. Then, in November my best friend passed away and I think I just checked out for the rest of the year.

The truth is I checked out of everything. I complained enough to make myself sick. I debated at the end of the year whether or not I would work there again. Honestly, I was trying to get out of everything I did .... possibly trying to set up an environment where I could just stay in bed all day and not have to answer to anyone.

Man, what a terrible attitude! I told the girl I teach with today that someone should have just slapped me last year. How anyone could stand me, I'll never know.

The truth is God has done a work in my heart. I could cry right now just thinking of all He has done. I'm thankful He doesn't just leave me to my own devices and pursues me until I have no choice but to raise the white flag in surrender.

I love how he can change my heart and my mind toward His will and His plan. I'm learning to recognize everytime He does it and I recall Proverbs 21:1 ... "The king's heart is in the hand of the LORD, like the rivers of water, He turns it wherever He wishes" and am amazed at His attention to my life. He cares about my thoughts, my decisions, my direction.

I love Him so!

"What am I that I might be called your child? What am I that you might know me, my King? ... What a beautiful God!" ....

He's Still Good

E - just getting home after her tonsil surgery

We had E's post-op appt. Monday and as well as she has recovered from having her tonsils removed, she was really disappointed in what the doctor said. Until she is fully healed, she can't have solid foods and worst of all, no activity. We're heading to camp this weekend, so that means no swimming or participating in the outside games.

She held it together while he explained this to her, but when we got to the van, she lost it. She kept saying, "I'm sorry I'm crying, Mom. I'm just so sad". All I could say was I understood and just let her cry it out. Her motivation this entire time has been camp. She hasn't complained about eating mashed potatoes for days because she had a goal in mind. I feel so bad for her.

Who knew having your tonsils out had such a long recovery time? I sure didn't.

But, just like any situation, once over the initial disappointment, you have to look at the bigger picture and trust God knows what is best.

Surprisingly, this situation has prompted a lot of talk about God, His will and having faith. E really tries to look for Him in every situation. We keep reminding her His plan is perfect and He must be protecting her from something .... and let's face it ... her situation could be much worse.

We know this, but when you're 8, every situation is HUGE.

She wakes every morning, grabs a flashlight and heads to the mirror to check out her throat to see if there's any change. I hear her talking to God about it all day long (whenever it comes to her mind, she says). She tells us she's believing God will heal her completely before Friday.

He certainly can.

Not wanting to squelch her faith, but wondering how she would react, I asked her yesterday, "What will you think of God if He chooses not to heal you by Friday?"

She didn't answer me. Until this morning.

E: "I've been thinking about what you asked me about God, if He chooses not to heal me by Friday".

"Yep. What do you think?"

E: "I think if that is what He decides, He's still God and He's still good."

Yes, He is.

I love, love my girl.

A Princess Life

This is how O dressed to go to E's post-op appt. yesterday.

As Belle.

Actually, she stayed like this all day ..... ate lunch at Panera Bread, shopped at Target and visited the library. Without a care in the world.

I kept thinking about how uptight I was when E was little. Surely every first-time mother is?

I would have my moments, let go a little and she would feel free enough to venture out of the house with a princess dress, scarf or tiara. I remember she went through a season of pearls. Lots of strands of pearls. She would have done this a lot more had I let her.

There's just something about that second child. Maybe with each one you learn to relax, choose your battles or just become less and less interested in what others think.

Maybe it's age.

Whatever the case, I loved that O didn't care. She was happy.

Today it's Cinderella.

Please bow to the princess if you see us out today ;)

Gotta Love Her Confidence

Well, I did it. I was able to run this morning. Not quite as much as I hoped, but I did it nonetheless and it feels great to do so.

This is my last week before I start back to work (at my girls' school). I go back a week before they start. Surprisingly, I'm not dreading it like I thought I would. Working as the preschool teacher's assistant is only part-time, but still allows me to be close to my them.

I'm even more thankful that instead of running around frantic this week, I can breathe easy since all school supplies are bought, labeled and packed in book bags. Whew, that's a job. I did that weeks ago and am now thankful God prompted me to do that since I haven't felt well lately. I hate to be stressed out over things like that and now I don't have to worry about it.

In the midst of all the craziness this summer, we have managed to have some really good, joyful days. Some of my favorites, though, have been the mornings after breakfast when I had a special devotion planned for my girls.

We've made t-shirts, banners, flower pots, you name it .... all while talking about scripture. (I don't want to mislead you - there were many days I planned to do something, but either didn't feel like it or we were too lazy - just keeping it real :).

We were recently talking about Psalm 139 and how we are all unique and very different. Though we are different, we are each very special to Jesus.

We each made thumb-prints using a stamp pad on a piece of paper and compared them to one another. O was particularly fascinated with how different they were. We had a great discussion about how we were all created to be different .... to fulfill a different purpose for God and His kingdom.

E, just as she always does, took the discussion further and talked about how friends at church and school compare themselves to one another. It was a great talk. And a serious one for E. But, we can always count on O to keep things light.

I asked this question (trying to drive home the point you shouldn't want to be like anyone else, but instead be who God created you to be) .....

Me: "Are there any girls in your class you've ever looked at and said, 'I wish I looked like her or was just like her?'.

E: "Yes, I have".

O: (stares at us perplexed) "No."

Me: "O, have you never wished you were like someone else?"

O: (answers in a tone as if I've said something completely absurd) "Ofcourse not! But, every girl in my class wants to be me".

And just like that, the devotion was over.

I admit I love that confidence and I wouldn't dare do anything to squelch it. The world will do that to her soon enough. But, I'm working on a devotion this week to gently reinforce humility.

Sunday Night

My girlies are tucked in bed, Eric is watching a food show (I should know which one because it seems to be super-important for me to know - Next Food Network Star, maybe? - not sure) and I'm sitting her thankful for a good day.

Eric has asked me each day over the weekend to 'rate' my pain. On a scale of 1 - 10, my headache on Thursday was a 12 (the worst of my life). Friday, I called my Daddy to come pick up my girls cause I couldn't watch them myself. That day .... a 10. Saturday, I was actually folding laundry and when Eric asked, I was thankful to say '8'.

Then today .... today I answered with a '4' and am happy with that. I'll take it. I taught Sunday School, sat through 2 wonderful church services, laughed with my girls and was actually able to have dinner with friends tonight. The glory of God is present.

I'm feeling optimistic. I just laid out my running clothes for tomorrow morning. It's been 16 days since I last ran. I really think I'll be able to do it. Let it be so, Lord.

E goes for her post-op appointment tomorrow. She is more than ready to hear she can eat something besides mashed potatoes, ice cream or macaroni. She is such a trooper and has complained very little, but does often remind us she wants a steak as soon as she's in the clear.

Just before bedtime tonight, O kissed me goodnight, gave me a big squeeze and told me she loves me. I, of course, told her I love her too.

She came back with, "Yes, but Mom, I love God more than you. I'm suppose to. I love you 5, but I love Him 10."

I'll take it.

Our life. The good and bad. The Glory of God is present.

His Strength Is Perfect

I opened one eye to look at the clock. 6:32am. I lie there and think. Wait. Do I have a headache? Do I have any pain? Wait a minute. Right at this very minute, I have no pain whatsoever. No head pain. No stomach pain. Thank you, Jesus.

I slip out of bed, thankful everyone is still asleep, and grab my Bible. I am so anxious to finish my Sunday School lesson .... just in case another monstrous headache were to come today, I'll be prepared.

I finish it. Thankful I was able to actually read it. Migraines are ugly that way, not affording you the luxury of reading.

This fact, in particular, was my downer last night. While everyone was in bed and I was trying to go to sleep, I wanted so much to read. Read anything with scripture .... my bible, my devotional, anything to comfort me, but with a migraine that had lasted for 2 days, I couldn't. Lying there in the dark, I started saying Scripture and asking God to speak to me through the mundane of what I had memorized and show me something new.

As I whispered 2 Cor 12:9, "My grace is sufficient for thee, for my strength is made perfect in weakness", I repeated that last part several times and then just remained still. I thought about all the ways I felt weak over the past few weeks. More than physically, what hurts me most is to feel inadequate as a mother or wife or friend. I don't like not being able to be there for my children in a way they would like or that I expect of myself. God assured me in that moment He is faithful to fill in the gaps and even overlap to cover all my inadequacies. I fell asleep peacefully in that promise.

I'm finishing up my quiet time with my 'go-to' verse this morning. Psalm 143:8 ... "Cause me to hear thy lovingkindness in the morning: for in thee do I trust: cause me to know the way wherein I should walk: for I lift up my soul unto thee."

God knows I'm going to need to know He loves me today and perhaps be reminded of that a few times :) Whatever I do today, whatever I go through ... one thing is certain .... I will not be walking through it alone.

Neither will you.

Prayer

This morning I started searching my house for hidden cameras. I was convinced we were secretly being taped. Maybe we're on some show to see how families or worn out Mamas react under pressure. I'm imagining men with headsets, sitting in sound booths, watching TVs that are flashing scenes from different rooms of my home while murmuring things like, "wonder how long before she snaps", or "let's give her another night before we call the institution to go pick her up".

Maybe I dreamed it. Maybe I'm losing it.

The reality is that on that Tuesday morning when we were sitting in the ENT's office finding out E had to have her tonsils out, while receiving a call Eric's uncle passed away, while waiting on my doctor's appt. for a UTI (sorry if that's TMI) to which he gave me a daily prescription for migraine medicine (I know, right?) ..... it has all went down hill from there.

E has done wonderful! Just amazing. She continues to heal and feel great. I, on the other hand, have been misdiagnosed, given freaky medication with the strangest side effects and have headaches that made me just think I had had migraines before. I have felt like gum being scraped off the ground one minute and a cat on the ceiling the next.

I hate, hate, hate, it. (I know. Hate is a mean word. O would hate that I used it.) I told Eric they should just roll me out in the backyard and leave me (I know - my girls get their drama from me).

Quite honestly, I really hate putting this on here, but I sincerely need your prayers. I'll probably delete this post when my mood shifts - ha. But until then, if you could pray for me, I would deeply appreciate it.

Recovery

I guess it's time to check in and tell you we are all doing well. E is, for the most part, doing great from her tonsillectomy and only has pain when she eats - and then it's only in her right ear ??

We were told she probably wouldn't have much of an appetite, but from the minute we were home from the surgery center, she was asking for mashed potatoes and gravy (her favorite).

My Daddy and I couldn't get over how happy she was the morning of surgery. Normally, this drama queen is a handful when it comes to doctors or shots, but seriously, she was so happy and peaceful.

The only time she cried was a few seconds before they took her back and that was because she got an eyelash stuck in her eye and I couldn't get it out. ha!

Her most difficult time was when she came out of recovery and they hadn't given her much for pain. She was shocked by the pain and then quite scared. She began to panic and cry and that scared me and my Dad. It took awhile to get her stable, but once they did, we were able to leave and the rest has been fairly easy for her.

Eric has kept her well-stocked in homemade caramel ice cream, so she really won't settle for any other kind. She eats that for every meal.

Perhaps no one is as happy about that as O. She gladly joins her, but eats chocolate, licking the bowl .... vowing to go through this with her sister 'til the very end.

"That's what sisters are for", she says.

Trust - Talking It Out With My Savior

I think I've always had an issue with trust. I have tried most of my saved life to get to the root of that, and for whatever the reasons that I won't share here, I think I've allowed God to redeem and restore those innermost parts of me and allowed me to trust people and situations I wouldn't have otherwise had He not been a part of the equation.

When it comes to trusting Him, it's almost like I'm in constant dialogue with Him about it. To portray an accurate picture, it's almost like I wake up praying about what's on my heart, He 'speaks' to me or I recall scripture that would tell me what He thinks about that and therein begins the dialogue. I believe more and more here lately He's been inviting me to 'talk it out' with Him. And honestly, lately I have been known to come back with, "I realize that's what your Word says but I'm just not feeling that in my heart right now. You're gonna have to be patient with me".

The feeling that bothers me more than anything lately is just how long is longsuffering. Surely He's at the end of His rope with me, right?

The day of E's surgery, I woke hours too early (or did I even go to sleep) and got in the shower. I was missing Eric so much and wondering why I agreed to schedule her surgery while he was out of town. I knew I was getting ready to have a meltdown (okay, I was definitely mid-meltdown) and was quoting every scripture I had ever memorized while washing my hair. Nothing was helping and I was positive I wasn't going to be able to take her to have surgery on my own. I sensed God telling me to trust Him and I said, "No, I can't".

That's it. Just no.

Spiritual, isn't it?

My Mom had stayed over and she woke up just talking about mundane things like coffee and toast and the conversation calmed my nerves.

I sat down and read Isaiah 43 and 44. God dries the waters for armies of people to walk through and pours it upon the thirsty grounds. In others words, He does what He wants when He wants.
He is able.

I found some comfort in that.

Later that night, when all was said and done and E was tucked in bed, I was very ashamed of the fear I felt. I was still fearful, actually. Motherhood is a funny thing. I told Eric it's a constant guessing game. Always guessing what to do and wondering if you're making the right decision.

Yesterday in my favorite devotional, Jesus Calling by Sarah Young, it reads ...

Trust Me in the depths of your being. It is there that I live in constant communion with you. When you feel flustered and frazzled on the outside, do not get upset with yourself. You are only human, and the swirl of events going on all around you will sometimes feel overwhelming. Rather than scolding yourself for your humanness, remind yourself that I am both with you and within you.

Hmmm ... flustered and frazzled? Me? Possibly. But, God is faithful. I know I can trust Him. And even when I doubt, He invites me to reject that condemnation that I oftentimes try to abide in. He would much rather I abide in Him.

"If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you,

you will ask what you desire and it shall be done for you."

John 15:7